Episode 9x01: Mirror, Mirror
by Christopher T. Miller
Summary: My own spin on the yet to be produced ninth season of this show. To understand you need to have seen Seasons 6-8. Especially "Rimmerworld" ; "Stoke Me A Clipper"; and "Only the Good . . " Chapter 3 is up Please R
1. The Great Escape

Hi I'm Christopher T. Miller. This is my first fic so please submit reviews; all comments are welcome. This is my own version of Season 9 for the Red Dwarf Crew. My friend whose penname is Queeg helped me.  
  
Spoilers for ". . . Only the Good" and "Rimmerworld"  
  
All characters belong to Rob Grant and Doug Naylor who, so far, have brought me over 100 hours of priceless entertainment.  
  
MIRROR, MIRROR  
  
By  
Christopher T. Miller  
And  
Queeg  
  
Chapter 1  
  
"The Great Escape"  
  
It is a cold winter's day a top a snow-covered mountain on a distant planet that resembles earth. At the top summit a small tent sits. The tent rocks up and down from the pleasure that two lovers inside are enjoying. A woman emerges with a most satisfied look and says, "Oh Ace! That was wonderful."  
  
"Indeed it was Old chum, now how 'bout you go smoke me up some kippers. After all, it's time for breakfast," replied Ace Rimmer who was happy to be done with the twelve-hour session in bed.  
  
All of a sudden helicopters began to circle above the peak where the two lovebirds came for serenity. They were enemy choppers; Ace recognized them right away. He knew that there was trouble on the way. He didn't mind he just wished he had time for the kippers before trouble came.  
  
"Looks Like I gotta blow on outta hear," Ace said sorrowfully  
  
The beautiful lady grabbed Rimmer and looked deep into his eyes as if looking right into the inner depths of his soul and asked, "Will I ever see you again Ace?"  
  
"I guarantee it," he replied as he looked towards the sky. The women embraces Ace and gives him the kiss of his lifetime  
  
"Goodbye Ace, and good luck!" The princess began to cry. She couldn't bear to have her precious Ace taken away from her.  
  
"Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast!" Ace screamed as he took off his watch. He searched for the button that would execute the proper action. He found it. Ace pressed the button and the watch transformed into a pair of skis.  
  
Just as he started to ski down the mountain, bullets were fired from above and a voice yelled down, "We have you surrounded Ace Rimmer, give yourself up."  
  
It was too late Ace was on his way down, and as always, he was doing it in style. As he went over huge ridge there was a massive explosion right behind him and he said to himself, "My god! I'm better than James Bond."  
  
He arrived in perfect form at the base of the mountain. It looked as if he wasn't tired at all. He found more trouble waiting for him, however. At the base of the mountain was a whole platoon of soldiers anxiously waiting to end the life of the one they knew as "Ace Rimmer." Leading this platoon was a general with a thick German accent who hissed, "Now are you convinced that we have you surrounded Mr. Rimmer?"  
  
"I'd say I'm in a bit of a pickle, aren't I?" Ace called back.  
  
"Shut up." The man pulled a pistol from the holster at his waist. The man let off a warning shot that happened to go right for our hero's foot.  
  
Ace appeared to be unhurt, but he looked shocked as he gazed down at his foot and said, "These are my only pair of ski boots damn it!"  
  
The general laughed wickedly at Ace. He flashed an evil snare and said, "This is the day I've been waiting for." The general paused for a second and gave Ace the evil eye, "I hope you enjoy your death Mr. Rimmer."  
  
"Sadly, I already am dead old friend. I'm a hard light hologram, or had you forgotten?"  
  
The general looked quite confused and stammered, "I hadn't forgotten, you never told me that before"  
  
Ace looked a little embarrassed as he managed to announce, "Right. Well then, I would like to take this opportunity to announce that I am a hard light hologram."  
  
"I don't believe you," commented the German man. He grabbed his gun once again and began to shoot at Ace. The bullets hit him, but Ace went unharmed thanks to his hard light drive.  
  
"Blast!" interjected the upset general.  
  
Ace Rimmer took off his skis and found another trusty button right on the back. He pushed the button and the skis transformed into a jet booster. Ace Rimmer strapped it on, and he took of into the blue winter sky. After he was about ten feet off the ground he looked down at the general and said, "It's cold outside," he threw down his golden jacket to reveal he was wearing another one underneath, "You'll be needing that."  
  
As Ace flew away he marked the sky with his slogan "Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast"  
  
The general was dumbfounded. All he could do was stand there and watch his nemesis escape. The only words he could mutter were "What a guy!"  
  
Opening Theme  
  
Next Chapter: "Running From Death" 


	2. Running From Death

Here's Chapter 2:  
  
------------------- Author's Note: All characters belong to Grant Naylor ------------------  
  
"Running From Death"  
  
Star wars type text scrolls across the screen explaining the situation the crew finds it self in it reads:  
  
"Red Dwarf IX  
  
When we last left Red Dwarf a tiny microbe was eating away at the ship. The crew escaped with the exception of everyone on floor 13 in 'The Tank.' Among these prisoners are our fearless heroes: Lister, Cat, Kryten, Kochanski, and . . . Rimmer if you can really call the cowardice git a hero. After entering a mirror universe Rimmer discovers the antidote to the microbe, thanks to a bizarre version of the cat. He brings the antidote back only to discover that the antidote was now the virus, and that the others were gone into the mirror universe. He was marooned on a dying ship. Death has arrived and isn't planning on leaving without Arnold J. Rimmer . . .  
  
And Now The Saga Continuums . . . "  
  
Red Dwarf slowly burns from the inside out. Yet not everyone is dead. Though they should be. Rimmer is desperately running away from the grim reaper. He refuses to believe that his number is up. However, death is hot on his trail.  
  
"There is no point in running Arnold," death persisted as he continued to lurk about.  
  
"Oh smeg off! I'm not ready to die," Rimmer hissed back through the flames  
  
*** Meanwhile in another dimension Ace Rimmer returned to his orbiting ship The Wildfire. He was plum tuckered out after his meeting with the German general.  
  
"What's the latest news?" Ace queried his on board computer.  
  
The computer responded, "Well Ace it seems that another version of you is on the brink of death"  
  
Ace looked worried. He hated it when an Arnold Rimmer had to snuff it, and he wanted to help. "Which version?" he asked the computer  
  
"Arnold J. Rimmer. 2nd Technician on the JMC mining ship Red Dwarf," The computer answered.  
  
Ace went into a state of shock after hearing this. He was so surprised that his voice turned into the voice he once used when he was Rimmer. "What? No that can't be right, check again," Ace demanded  
  
The computer went searching "Hey This is your computer I'm researching something for you while you wait, here is some music for you," said the computer. The speakers blared out a tune for Ace to enjoy "You are the sunshine in my life, that's why I'll always be around . . ." Ace tapped his foot to the beat.  
  
"I have double checked," said the computer, "and it is definitely the 2nd class technician on board Red Dwarf."  
  
"No it can't be," Ace whispered still in his old weasel Rimmer voice  
  
"Is there a problem Ace?"  
  
"Yes there's a smegging problem ya gimboid. I'm that Rimmer. I was the 2nd class technician on Red Dwarf," Ace said in a frustrated manner. He didn't understand it. That Rimmer was dead. The crew must have been re-created some how, but how?  
  
The computer replied, "No sir, you are Ace Rimmer"  
  
All of a sudden Ace realizes he's not acting Ace enough and snaps back to being Ace. "Oh right, sorry computer I must've lost my head there for a minute. It looks like Arn needs my help. Ok let's prepare to dimension jump."  
  
*** Back on Red Dwarf Rimmer has found his way into his old sleeping quarters. He is hiding behind his and Lister's laundry basket in the corner. The room will soon be engulfed in flame.  
  
"Smeg!" Rimmer said aloud to nobody, "What the smeg am I gonna smegging do. Death is chasing me, and worst of all, the stench coming from Lister's dirty socks is just what might do me in. Oh Smeg!" Rimmer couldn't believe his luck. Why hadn't he just stayed in the mirror universe?  
  
Death was approaching the sleeping quarters. "Where are you Arnold? Here Arnie . . . come to death." Frankly the Grim Reaper was getting sick of this game. He was Arnold Rimmer's own personal Grim Reaper. He'd been waiting his entire existence for A.J. Rimmer to bite the dust, and now here he was just suffered from a swift knee to the happy sacks.  
  
"I just want to talk," lied Death.  
  
Death entered the sleeping quarters just as The Wildfire materialized outside of the ship.  
  
"Your life is over, again," said Death. "Do not be afraid Arnold"  
  
All of a sudden Ace Rimmer teleports in to the inferno that was once Red Dwarf. Rimmer seems a bit taken aback by this strange visitor  
  
"Who are you, ya little git?!" Rimmer screamed at the stranger  
  
"There'll be time for that later old friend," Ace answered back.  
  
Death seemed quite happy at the prospect of having 2 Rimmers to kill. The Grim Reaper makes his move, but Ace shoves him down and kicks him in the head.  
  
"Not again," complained death.  
  
Ace looked at death lying on the floor and said, "Sorry old chum; I had to do it. You were putting my pal Arn into a bit of a bind." Ace looked back towards Rimmer and declared, "Come on Rimsy, let's blow this joint faster than Captain Hollister walks past an exercise gym."  
  
Rimmer looked surprised, "How do you know Captain Hollister?" Rimmer asked.  
  
"Not now mate. Let's save your life," said Ace in a heroic tone of voice  
  
"What a guy!" said Rimmer in a dreamy schoolgirl voice.  
  
All of a sudden Ace and Rimmer teleport out of the room.  
  
Next Chapter: "Officer Lister" 


	3. Officer Lister

----- Author's Note: All Characters belong to Grant Naylor - - -  
  
Chapter 3: "Officer Lister"  
  
3,000,00 light years from earth, the mirror Red Dwarf sits peacefully in outer space. Inside Lister and the others have just entered this odd universe. They were searching for Rimmer  
  
"Where the smeg could Rimmer be?" Lister asked out loud  
  
"We've got to find him; he has the microbe with him," Kochanski commented.  
  
Cat seemed to ignore her as he said, "I've got a question, if this Red Dwarf is OK, and not being eaten away at, why don't we just stay here?"  
  
Kryten decided to answer this. "A seemingly good question, but I'm afraid it's impossible," he said  
  
"Why?" queried the cat.  
  
"Because there is a great possibility that a paradoxical and quite alternative version of ourselves is inhabiting this Red Dwarf," Kryten answered.  
  
The cat, in confusion, wrinkled his nose and raised an eyebrow as he said, "Say what? This time explain it like it was in a five-page book with lots of pictures."  
  
"Let me see if I can make this simple," Kryten chimed back at the cat, "This is a mirror universe."  
  
"Right," said Cat.  
  
"And in this mirror universe, there are people who resemble us, but they are a mirror version of us," Kryten explained.  
  
"How so?" The cat wondered aloud.  
  
"Well, take Mr. Lister for example. Perhaps in this universe there is a version of him that absolutely hates curry. Maybe he likes salad, and dare I even say he likes pasta," Kryten said.  
  
Lister looked disgusted and made a motion like vomiting, "Don't say that Kryters. I don't think I could watch myself eat that junk. I eat food not pasta."  
  
Once again Cat ignored the others comments and said, "So there's another me here?"  
  
"It's quite possible, yes sir."  
  
"And he's nothing like me?"  
  
"Probably a little like you, but his personality is different," Kochanski chimed in.  
  
"Ewww," the cat said, "Who wouldn't want my personality?" Kochanski looked a little take a back, "Yours? You're just a self-centered, egotistical cat who only looks out for number one!"  
  
The cat spun around and did a little dance as he cheerfully said, "Exactly, who would wanna change that?"  
  
Lister looked annoyed he just wanted to find Rimmer and he made that clear, "All right let's find Rimmer and get back to our own universe. We need to fix this mess.  
  
Rimmer walked up to the others and gave them a double Rimmer salute.  
  
"There you are Rimmer, we've been looking everywhere for you," Lister said in a relieved voice.  
  
"First Officer Lister, is that you? Why are you dressed like that?" Rimmer asked in an authoritive tone.  
  
Lister looked confused, this seemed to be the official emotion for the day: Confusion. "First officer?" Lister asked.  
  
Rimmer continued, "And Professor Cat, is that you? Where are your glasses, your cardigan, and your bow tie?"  
  
The cat couldn't believe what he heard. Kochanski said, "He wouldn't be caught dead in those things."  
  
"Buddy, a bow tie and a cardigan IS dead!" the cat yelled.  
  
Still, Rimmer continued, "And is that your assistant? Kochanski? My you look different, and what are you doing with them Kryten?"  
  
Lister said, "Rimmer, what the smeg are you talking about? I'm not an officer; I'm a technician, just like you."  
  
"What are you driveling about you gimboid git? I am captain Arnold Judas Rimmer. Now stop acting like this, and meet me in the drive room in five minutes." Rimmer gave them a full Rimmer salute and walked off; as he got down the corridor he yelled back, "Toodle Pipski."  
  
"What was that about?" Kochanski asked.  
  
Kryten spoke, "I think I can explain ma'am. You see, that was the mirror version of Mr. Rimmer. Apparently in this universe Mr. Rimmer is the captain of Red Dwarf instead of a mere technician."  
  
"Hang on, are you saying that there is a Rimmer who is more of a smeghead than our Rimmer?" Lister demanded to know.  
  
"Yes, I'm afraid it's true," responded Kryten.  
  
"Oh that's sick. I don't even think that's possible," Lister said with disgust  
  
Kochanski interrupted, "Come on let's find our Rimmer."  
  
Lister had an idea he took his hand out of his pocket and looked at his watch, "Hey Hol, is there any chance that you can locate Rimmer. OUR Rimmer?"  
  
Holly's face appeared on the watch and he said, "Gordon Bennet, do you expect me to do everything for you? It's becoming bothersome."  
  
"We hardly even bother you," Lister responded.  
  
"Oh that's right, sorry, I was thinking of another bloke."  
  
Kryten interfered, "I propose we find Professor Cat."  
  
"Don't you think we need to explain all of this to the other crew first?" Kochanski asked.  
  
Lister said with confidence, "Krissie's right. Let's go find Captain Arnie J." Lister mocked Rimmer by doing a sarcastic version of a half Rimmer salute. He and the others walked down the hall way towards the drive room.  
  
Next Chapter: "Return to Rimmerworld" 


End file.
